Journal for 3/2/2020


We started the day driving over to Lake Padden and walking the circumference. One part of the lake is developed for restrooms and picnics, the other part has some trails and redwoods. 

As I stood amidst the trees, I saw a large trunk broken off, with just the roots left. I looked around to see what happened with the trunk that had fallen and only here and there did I see small mounds where it had been or was reclaimed by the forest. I thought of Gabriel – how his age made him a sapling; however, his impact made him a giant.

I keep thinking about a documentary around his death. Perhaps not his death per se, rather around his dying, the mystery, the idea of “you matter”. But I put off planning anything concrete. I do not want to put off grief for being busy. Perhaps the best way for me to handle these thoughts is to give them some space, but not at the expense of feeling.

That said, I have so far imagined opening with a shot of our last family brunch. Rebecca’s footage from two cameras. A voice-over narration asks, “Who is the suicidal person in this family?” Is it something to be detected in snap shots of a life? What happens when the warning signs, if there are any, are so subtle? What if I just want them to be subtle so I can cast off not being more diligent as a dad to notice? Am I giving myself deniability?

As the day continued, other small things arose around the documentary idea. Our evening ended listening to a couple of local musicians: Louis Ledford and Kristin A -Zeft? She had some sweet quirky songs and together they sang “Pale Blue Eyes” as a duet. I’d talk to them about scoring the film + Sun Kil Moon’s arrangement of “Ocean Breathes Salty”.

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