Journal of 3/11/2020

Tetons minus Rhys

For most of the last five months, I have held at bay the “worry” or “not enough” hounds. Last night, though, wore on me. I started to remember times when I was critical towards Gabriel.

I remember clearly that first night energetically exploring Gabirel’s path and alternate paths. All of the “what ifs” terminated on 10/28.

Nevertheless, times of worry still creep in. I remembered a moment when recently asked about the Breaking Bad movie, “El Camino” and both Ethan and I playfully harassed him about not knowing it was a Netflix movie. I said, “C’mon Gabriel, read a book. Geeze.”

And now, I hope he knew I was kidding him. Netflix had only recently released it and I had maybe only a couple of days before then discovered that. So I was barely ahead of the curve, pretending like EVERYONE knew what Gabriel was asking. I’m sorry buddy. I was only teasing because I feel close to you. Because I love you.

At other times, I remember being strict on playtime, or taking care of things. Threw as a period when he was a sophomore and was having a hard time keeping up with his school schedule. So I restricted his iPod use. I told him that he had to dock his iPod by 7 pm or else he couldn’t use it the next day. So these times I wonder if I could have been a better dad.

That’s when I come back to that first (?) night – his energy ended 10/28. – But I won’t let other moments slip with my remaining children.

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