Journal of 11/14/2019

Yesterday, it felt like Gabriel was away on a trip — He could come back any day. I knew he wouldn’t, but for awhile it was okay.

Today, I watched a show. And as I finished it, suddenly it was just me and my thoughts about missing Gabriel. I cried for about an hour. 

Eventually I found Rhys and just held his hands as I wept. I remembered a time shortly after Rhys broke his neck; I ordered a bracelet for him and cried quietly in my room. Gabriel heard and came in to see me. He just kind of put his hand on my shoulder as I cried for Rhys’ future [10/25/20 “lost”].

I’m making my way, for this first time, to mourn, the days I spent teaching Gabriel to drive, especially the Jeep. To mourn his absence now. And to mourn the absence of our future together. I wanted to have you in the rest of my life. Physically. I want to pierce the veil between our worlds to know your heart, hear your voice, and see your mind grow.

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