We celebrated Aelora’s bday today. She had about 20 friends over and made cocktails along with Jamaican Black Bean Soup.She then swung fire (poi) and there was laughter and smiles all night. In the quiet around the firepit, when it was just Joan and myself, we talked a little about Gabriel. Even though he was one of the five, we had, it felt (I said) that the whole of my heart was broken.

Earlier that day, I commented on how I’d been wrestling, off and on, with feeling like a failure as a father. It isn’t persistent, but I wonder if there was another tool or technique I could have given him to make any difference.